Friday, 14 March 2014

Living and Learning Amidst the Trickery of a Brain.

Since my last post, some things have changed, progressed in some ways and retreated in others. The life I was living in Ayora with my daily tasks in the field and in the mill searching for ways that showed me food sovereignty was an important element to the organization UNOPAC and the community itself, came to an end. I had not expected to ever leave the town early, before I was supposed to. Nearing the end of February I was overcome with feelings I cold not manage alone. Having experienced my first ever connection to my own suffering mind about 4 years ago, I knew I needed to make changes to my lifestyle.
I have never exactly been open about my own inner struggles, but perhaps it is time that I put it out there; in a sphere that can be read by whomever chooses without facing the audience directly. At the age of 18-years-old I had found myself feeling different than I ever had: nervous, tired, unmotivated, sad, and unable to control these feelings. While living in residence at Laurier surrounded by some of the best friends a girl could want to have, I wondered how I could feel this way when I was surrounded by fun and great, and kind people. It wasn't until months later that I realized I could have been living in a $4.5 million house in the Swiss alps and I still would have felt the same. For months I pushed myself through it, thinking I was just homesick and uncomfortable in a new city, stressed by my first year of university. For those months I was making things worse without realizing it. Each day that I pushed through without talking about my feelings I dug myself  deeper into the hole of depression in which I found myself lying, unassisted and weak, at the bottom. I spent every waking moment I could with my friends. I read, wrote papers, and even cooked dinner in their apartment to avoid being alone with my thoughts which I knew were slowly destructing me. Eventually exam time came and I had gone home to study, realizing that I wasn't doing any studying at all. Hour after hour I sat at home consumed in my thoughts and feelings, wondering how I would manage another semester the way I did the previous one. I was scared, and overwhelmed. Finally, an afternoon came where I set my books aside and explained what I was dealing with to my mom, whom I had spent many nights phoning from residence just to have someone to cry to. Of course, I have the best mom in the world for being brave while I was scared, telling me things would change even though it was hard to see it then, and eventually, after my exams, helping me move my life from Laurier back to home. I am sure she was scared it might have been the wrong decision to allow me to drop out of school, but she believed in me and took a chance. Always wanting me to be happy above anything else. Although I wanted to leave school so that those feelings I had could stop, I immediately began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated with myself for being "weak" and not being able to deal with this, angry at myself for "failing" and most of all crushed that I was leaving behind people that I loved  who would carry on their university careers together, afraid they would forget me and I would no longer fit in to our group of friends.
My life then consisted of dealing with the realization that I was depressed and the stigma embedded in it, explaining it to my friends and hoping they would understand, and trying to find purpose. Many days would pass where I couldn't think of anything worthwhile getting out of bed for, or I would sit eating dinner with my family around me only to need to leave so that I could cry, never really knowing why I was crying and so upset. I remember one day specifically where I sat in my living room crying and pulling at my hair, feeling like I was going crazy. My heart was beating quickly and when I removed my hands from my face I felt an indescribable feeling. I felt as if gravity was pushing against me, the air in the room was slowly being sucked out, the walls and the ceiling were crowding me, there was no space left for me which left me feeling what I can only assume it feels like to drown. I tried to breathe and eventually went outside into the cold winter weather where everything suddenly became better. I have always considered that moment the lowest of my lows where I couldn't seem to find a way out of my own mind. I did, of course, I opened a door and left, the same way one normally leaves something. That realization made me feel normal, the most normal I had felt in a long time.
For 2 or 2.5 years I took medication to help my body produce more serotonin so that when the serotonin worked to passed into my brain, more of it would flow straight in instead of not being able to make the full trip. This made me feel better in general, although there were still days when I felt as if I hadn't taken any medication at all. I began to do things, real things with purpose. I traveled to England with a best friend to visit my sister, I became the care giver of my two favourite little girls a few times a week while their parents were at work, and eventually I began to look into my future by researching schools. This allowed me to open my eye to new places and experiences, to give and accept love, and take control of my future.  At 20-years-old I returned to school, this time closer to home but a place where I felt more productive studying something I am truly passionate about in a program that's one of a kind. I stopped taking my medication slowly and for my first 2 years of university I did not need it nor feel like I needed any assistance.  This year, living and studying in Ecuador, I feared that I might find myself trapped in that hole again. I wanted the experience and thus, I took the chance. For months (the first 6 in fact) I felt great. I was comfortable and enjoying my time in a new country doing things most don't get the chance to do, seeing things that could be gone in a few years time. However, just a month ago I began to feel things while living away at my placement that I knew all too well. I didn't know where they came from and couldn't explain it. For days I dealt with it, telling myself with each passing day I would begin to feel better. As time progressed and things got worse I realized that the struggles I had endured with my mental health in the past were likely something I will deal with through intervals throughout my life. And I knew I needed to find someone to help me.
The result has been that I am suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. This was a new type of struggle for me and something I have had to learn to deal with differently, especially at this critical time where I am amidst my involvement in a very important volunteer placement to secure my completion of this year abroad program. Days of no motivation are met with nervous and anxious feelings of everything ranging from tomorrow and what it will hold, to figuring out my research, to finishing out my placement at a new place. I began working on an organic farm just outside the city of Quito where I am living once again. The farm produces mainly for the "Canastas" program. The owners used to sell in ferias (markets within the city) but there was too much uncertainty about profit so they began their Canastas system. Each week they assemble baskets for their regular buyers of whatever fruits ad vegetables are ready to be picked that week. All products are grown organically sold at a set price of $5/basket. The idea is to cut out the middle man by linking buyer with producer directly. In this way there is more communication about sustainable harvesting as well about demand, satisfaction, and prices. The work is more than interesting for me and allows me to continue to notice elements of food sovereignty but in new and different ways. I find it hard making daily trips to the farm. I find it hard concentrating on work and my research when my mind shifts to everything but that. I find it hard to minimize my anxiety when it sets in and to block it out all together. However, I am trying my very hardest to work through it without pushing myself back into another hole that is far too deep to climb out of. I see a day where I am managing much better, and I know there will be a day when I can wean off medication again and get back to being the best me I can be. I am sure another time in my life will come where I feel the lows of depression or the shaking, fast beating heart and feelings of anxiety but after my last experience and certainly after this one (dealing while in a foreign place, new language, away from family) I am more confident than ever that I can continue being Emily. Although I sometimes feel like I am going crazy, there is nothing better than knowing that I have support, that I have the will power to continue to learn, to continue to help, to continue to be passionate and an activist, continue to snowboard, listen to music, travel, camp, eat, love, and smile. Life goes on.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

The Life of a Rural Farmer

And, I am back. It is never easy to find some time to write but this time I have been busier than most. Since my last post I have left my host family in Quito (check the photo below of me with Margarita, Jose-Maria and Black) and started the second aspect of my year abroad. That being the experiential learning aspect through a 10-week field placement. I was having trouble choosing an organization and finally settled on an agricultural organization focused on organic production called UNOPAC (federacion de organizations populares de Ayora-Cayambe). I am living in the small rural town of Ayora near Cayambe in the north of Pichincha province.
I moved here around the 13th of January and spent 4 weeks working there before returning back to Quito where I am now. Our placement was split up as 4 weeks and then 6 weeks with this week long break of classes in the middle. It's nice to have a break when almost halfway through my work experience. At this point I am only 2 months away from leaving Ecuador and venturing back to Canada. It's bittersweet and almost surreal.
One of my first tasks at the organization was to assist in the fields one Monday. We stocked the truck with sacks of wheat, oats and barley and drove up to a very large field. The men and women tied blankets around their bodies and held the ends to create a space in the middle to hold the grains. They then walked up and down the field tossing the grains in front of them as they walked. It looked like tough work as they each held a swelling amount of grain in their blankets that pulled on their backs. The land had an incline which I determined to be the main reason the work was as tiring as it was. My job was to walk around the field with the sacks of grain to fill up the worker's  blankets when they got low. I learned to throw a bag of grain over my shoulder and lug it around. I was exhausted! I soon learned it wasn't efficient for me to follow the workers around as I was tiring myself out too quickly so I stood in the middle of the field and filled up the blankets as the workers passed me. This saved me a lot of energy! After we finished this field, we had lunch where I realized I was getting a bad headache from the strong sun and became very tired. After lunch however, there were still 2 more relatively large fields to plant. Just like the other workers who were likely just as tired, I had to push through it and finish out the days work. The week before I had helped working on a Minga. These are traditional farming systems in small areas where a group of people help someone work their land for no exchange of money but rather receive help on their land by the rest of the group when needed. It is an exchange of labor for labor rather than labor for money. I hoed the land and planted potatoes and then pushed the soil back over every potato. All work with the organization is manual. The organization owns a tractor which is used to till the larger plots of land and they just bought two small soil tillers to turn the soil on smaller plots to save time, hard labor and make the work more efficient.
I also work in their grain mill where we work through a series of processes to make products such as Arroz de Cebada (barley rice), harina de trigo (Wheat flour) and their local indigenous product called Uchu Jacu (a flour type product often used in soups). This flour is made from 6 grains and is extremely nutritious so it is highly valued in the town as people can eat that in their soup and receive many nutrients they need. We dump sacks of oats, barley, wheat, corn, haves (a type of bean high in calcium), and another type of bean as well as garlic into a large wooden barrel after they have all been put through the roasting furnace. We mix the ingredients and then take buckets full and dump that in the first grinder which breaks the mix down to a rough powder. The mix then goes through a second grinder to smooth it out and gets put back into the sacks. We then take these sacks and scoop some into a sifter and sift all the four to separate any bits of grain or sticks that didn't get ground or shouldn't be in the flour. After this we add cumin and mix the flour. I then scoop  100 grams into  specially designed bags for sale and weigh it and then seal it using a hot plastic press to ensure the bags are closed and ready to be sold. I have also spent time picking through sacks of roasted barley to remove sticks, burnt pieces and anything that doesn't belong. Work in the mill can be tedious but it is work I never envisioned being involved in with my placements and it is some of my favorite work because it is all so new to me.
Our placements are based upon a research question which we use to discover and understand our organization and its relationship to the development of the community. My research question is "In what ways is agro ecological production contributing o food sovereignty?" I chose this question and my placement in general for a few reasons but mostly because of where I come from. In Canada and in my town, agriculture is extremely important in supplying food locally, in the cites, in the province, the country and even internationally. In the capitalist system in which we live, to be a farmer can be far less rewarding than we may like to believe. Farming is important to internal incomes to supply locally for the people but often is also important for export economies like in Ecuador where a great deal of production is concentrated in Cocao, Coffee, and Bananas for global export. However, across the world many people who rely on farming do so but only far for subsistence meaning they produce just enough to feed themselves and not enough to sell. Others produce entirely for sale but cannot feed their families because of the low return value as the government sweeps most of the export income into their own hands. Farming is one of the hardest jobs yet one of the least rewarding and is the thing which keeps us alive. Issues such as hunger, famine, and food security (which should be defined as all being different concepts) are all issues relating to the struggles and inequalities embedded within food. Food is unequally distributed globally and often the people who produce the food cannot feed themselves. For these reasons food sovereignty and now agro ecological production are important to me and something I think deserve and need to be understood better.
I am feeling more comfortable and welcomed in my community. I live with another host family of a mom, dad, ad 12 year-old girl. The father, Pablo, is one of the founders of UNOPAC and answers many of my questions regarding my 'research'. Upon arriving in Ayora I met an older Italian woman named Daniella. She welcomed me immediately and cooked me a welcome dinner that night. She has lived in Ecuador for a long time and is doing 3 years of research in the town regarding family dynamics and the roles of women. I considered her my closest fried, although we are many years apart, but to have connections and friendships in the community is comforting. The first while was overwhelming as the people were new, as was the work, and the community. I am feeling more settled now.
Overall, my placement is going well and I am trying o make the most of each experience I have. I must remember to keep myself open-minded, to observe, and take away as much as I can from everything I do, hear and see. I wish, however, that there was something I could give in return as my labor is little more than a extra set of hands which work slowly in comparison to theirs. I have learned so much and believe I will continue to as the things I do here will likely be unmatched by the things I learn elsewhere in my life. I hope that maybe some time, even many years off, that what I learnt can come back around and help the people of Ayora in some way, and if not them, than someone somewhere in the world can be a little happier or better off because of all that I took from this community. I hope what I take can someday be balanced by what I can give in return.






Monday, 6 January 2014

My South American December.

Christmas vacation: the current point of my travels right now, although it does not seem that way as I am nearing the end. Since December 5th I have been venturing around Ecuador and even out of the country exploring, taking adventures, learning, and seeing and trying new things.
The 5th was our last day of class for the month and I left that evening to catch my flight out of Quito toward Chile. Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. Stacey and I had a 7 hour layover in Guayaquil (which means we hadn't even left Ecuador). We slept in the airport which was a first for me. We then caught our flight to Lima which then connected straight away to Santiago. We arrived in the afternoon the following day and because there is only a 2-hour time difference we were able to make use of the day without fatigue. Santiago is a beautiful city! The public works is very clearly in great form and well budgeted as they have a smoothly run and very clean subway metro system. There are various different areas and neighborhoods of the city all with their own unique style which makes for a great variance of restaurants, shops, and atmosphere. We spent an afternoon on a wine tour just outside Santiago. I knew nothing about wine other than that the process begins with a few grapes but Stacey and I decided that to be in Chile is the time for tasting wine. We visited one of the World's most famous and largest producing wineries: Concha y Toro. We spent part of the tour in the cellar which is called Casillero del Diablo which translates to "The Devil's Cellar". It is called this because hundreds of years ago the winery was robbed and lost a large stock of wine. In order to keep thieves out, a story was created that the cellar housed the devil himself. After that, no one dared to risk stealing from the cellar. Around the world, this wine is noticeable for it's unique temperature at which it is stored and for the length of storage, and also for the devil's head which is embossed on every bottle stored in that cellar.
It didn't take long for me to fall in love with Chile and it's diversity of climate but it was the switch to colder weather that made Chile seem familiar. I loved Southern Chile, Patagonia, and the Antarctic region. I am quite certain I will need to travel to the Argentinian area of Patagonia to explore it more. I can easily say I am hooked on the land there. While on the Chilean side we took a ferry one morning about 2 hours out into the ocean from Punta Arenas to an island inhabited by Magelanic penguins. The ferry stopped at the pebble beach and there were penguins everywhere roaming freely around the island. The only thing separating person from animal was a rope strung along a path so that the penguins can cross the path and travel about their island as they should. We walked around coming so close o the penguins ho were hardly phased by the presence of people. I strongly appreciated the humane and free way of allowing the penguins to continue to act normally as if no people were around. Many have even dug their nest so close to the walkway as if there were no people ever visiting the island to disturb them.
We also took a day tour through Parque Nacional Torres del Paine which is an incredibly large national park. We easily could have spent a week camping and exploring the park but with limited time we decided on a da tour to see 'the highlights'. We stopped at lagunes, lakes, mountain backdrops, to see Guanacos (an animal much like a mix between a deer and a llama) as well as Nandus (very similar to an ostrich). The day was fairly cloudy so we weren't able to see a lot of the lovely mountains that are in the background of nearly every picture taken. It also rained for nearly the entirety of our tour. Along with rain, and because it's the Chilean Antarctic, it was incredibly windy! I wish I could express the strength of the wind through my words and my pictures but there is nothing that could make it real. Needless to say, I have never had to bend down and struggle to make a simple step forward the way I did in Torres del Paine. At one point we stopped to see a large and beautiful waterfall called Salto Grande which was a 10 minute hike from the road. The rain was pelting incredibly hard because the wind was blowing so fast but the prospect of seeing this waterfall drove us to push forward... literally. The closer we got, the stronger the wind was, and when we reached the waterfall we had to hold the railing of the deck to avoid the very plausible possibility of being blown over. After the waterfall the tour bus stopped next to rope bride over a fast running river. We crossed the bridge and walked through a forest and as we did we caught the sight of something very blue out of the corner of our eyes, slightly obstructed by the trees. We walked further ad out onto a very expansive stone beach where we realized the blue we saw was an iceberg. We hadn't realized icebergs were on the agenda of the tour and the surprise was incredible. Big, bright icy blue, and once again we fought the wind and the rain. It was difficult to take pictures as it was a struggle to hold the camera straight in the wind and keep the lens dry... but we managed.
The next day we took a boat tour to see the glaciers on the fjord where Puerto Natales is located. We had originally wanted to see the Moreno Glacier in El Calafate on the Argentinian side of Patagonia in Glacieras Park but with our time constraints and planning schedule we chose two smaller glaciers closer by. Along the ride to the glaciers we stopped to see a cormorant colony (a local type of bird that resembles a penguin), a condor (a large bird which I had seen in Ecuador) and a couple sea-lions resting in the caves of the cliffs. We also passed by a series of waterfalls dropping off the rock cliffs along the fjord. When we got to the first glacier the mountains were once again obscured by fog and the rain was strong which made it difficult to see. We passed slowly by and as we did I noticed immediately how receded the ice was from the water. We then learned that the ice is deteriorating quickly and over the past year has receded from the water more than 100m up the mountain. We then moved on to the second glacier where we got off the boat and took an hour hike to it. As we walked along the rocky patch next to the bay, I noticed large pieces of ice floating around and then came across smaller pieces of ice all blended together along the shore of the bay in one section. At first I was amazed by all the ice in all different forms but I soon shook my had and realized the devastation in it. The temperature is by no means cold as I would consider cold as a Canadian and the excessive rain are contributing to the ice breaking away from the glacier. Many tour companies had advertised the glaciers by noting the possibility of seeing and hearing ice break off the glacier. I was troubled at this as to me environmental travesty should not be marketed as a tourist attraction. The glacier in itself was beautiful and the ice at this one took up most of the mountain from waterline up to the point of fog which I could not see past. It was incredible to say the least. Leaving Chile was the hard part of the trip. Not knowing when I would return and knowing I only saw a very miniscule portion of the country. However, it is easy for me to say that I know I will return... likely during summer though to take advantage of the Chilean winter for snowboarding.

After Chile I returned to Quito where the next day I left for a couple weeks of travel through Ecuador with my friend Amy. Our first stop was Banos. The town is known for its varying array of adventure activities. The first thing Amy and I did was canyoning which I think is a made-up word. Nevertheless, it entailed us to dress in wetsuits, helmets, and climbing shoes and climb up along waterfalls. Once at the top we put on harnesses and belayed ourselves down the waterfalls, we did this on 4 separate waterfalls. The next day we 'puented' which again sounds like a made-up word. This is basically bungee jumping off a bridge but a bit different. The bridge was incredibly high and the railing about 5 Ft tall and I had to club onto a small platform off the railing while attached to a harness. Instead of jumping  you sort of just fall or slightly jump straight out of the ledge and as you do the guide flips your feet so you front flip and then bounce back up and swing underneath the bridge. All in all, great fun! We also went rafting on a river about an hour outside Banos. Having been white water rafting in Canada, the trip was more of a leisurely paddle. The water wasn't very strong and there were no rapids, not to mention the water was a murky brown color. We also swung on the 'end of the world swing' which swings over the edge of what looks like a cliff but really is just a steep hill. Overall, it was a nice town with plenty to do and many ways to expand ones comfort levels. After that we ventured on to Cuenca where we spent Christmas. Cuenca is a beautiful city with many retired ex-pats living there. Amy and spent our days relaxing and enjoying the city and one day traveled to the nearby town of Ingapirca. The town houses old Incan ruins which we toured. We hadn't much for plans for Christmas but we came across two people in Cuenca who we had first met at our hostel in Banos. Kiki is a German woman who quit her job to travel the world for the year and Greig is a Scottish 2-time Cancer survivor travelling the world for 2 years as part of his initiative "101 Things To Do When You Survive" (www.101thingstodowhenyousurvive.com) where he is helping and inspiring other people with cancer to dream of the things they can do when they survive the disease. Anyway, our two new friends invited us for Christmas dinner with them and some other travelers. Our group consisted of 2 other Canadians who have been living in Peru who created a business to profile students from round the world online so that anyone can loan them money to help them attend post-secondary education with low interest rates, we also had a girl from New Zealand, a guy from India, a guy from South Korea, and a guy from London. It was great to have such global company at Christmas time when away from home. After Cuenca we went to Puerto Lopez on the coast. The first day we went to a beach within the national park Machalilla called Playa Los Frailes. The next day we took a tour of Isa de la Plata (otherwise referred to as The Poor Man's Galapagos). We took an hour and a half boat ride to the island and from there we hiked around and saw birds called blue-footed boobies and even saw sea turtles while in the boat but I was too amazed that I forgot to take pictures of them. From Puerto Lopez we finished out our trip in Montanita, also on the coast, for New Years. We did little else than relax on the beach. And that is my Christmas vacation. I am so lucky to be in South America where there is a large diversity of beauty that I can explore. I am also very thankful for the family that has helped me financially through the RRSP they have consistently contributed to since my birth and also for encouraging me to be a good person, to learn and encourage my adventurous sprit. From here, I venture on to my placement at the end of the week for the next 2.5 months. It's hard to believe I have surpassed the halfway point of my program and will be home in a short couple months! Certainly bittersweet. But I have plenty to do and learn between now and then and must remained positioned in the mentality of Ecuador and my passion for food and agriculture in order to observe and take away from this an experience which I doubt I will ever encounter again.